There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
