We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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