No stitches, just platelets and will power
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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