Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There r osticjed everywhere
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
