my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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