This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
