You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
