He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
