I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
