i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
