so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We had sex on a dog bed..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
