my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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