when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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