I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
