Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
