we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
