Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
