She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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