he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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