I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
