meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
