No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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