I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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