it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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