I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
