im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
