I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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