News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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