WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
what day is it and did you see me today?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
