two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
