its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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