Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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