At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
