ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
