Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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