I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The uberlube is also flammable
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
