Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
