My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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