meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
