life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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