Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
