My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
