You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
