Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
