Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
