I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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