So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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