im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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