I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
