no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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