you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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