All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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