dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
