took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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